In January 2019, it was a typical work day.
I struggled horribly. The company has been working with higher management for several years. I began to notify my leaders of the issues respectfully. The response was minimal to none.
I recall receiving a phone call from my daughter. It was important because she never called me during the workday. I wasn't focused on the issue during our brief conversation. After hanging up, I felt disappointed in myself. I had been drowning in work nonsense for a long while. I felt numbness inching my body. It felt as if everything in my life was a sheer disappointment. My parenting was lacking, my career was lacking, and my life was utterly imbalanced. A feeling of worthlessness overtook me.
Who am I? What does my life mean?
To my sadness, my direct leader and I exchanged some unpleasant words. This action would never have happened typically. It's as if my body was outside watching every step I took and was beginning to paralyze my thoughts.
This is one day that I will never forget during my lifetime.
As a result of the tension and angst, I felt exhausted and emotional, and I was not getting any support from the people around me.
In retrospect, this was all in my anxious heart and mind, and I was not dwelling on any specific issue. I was expressively stupor.
It did not occur to me when my boss and I spoke. We were discussing vastly different perceptions.
I had already left the building even though I was still physically there. It did not take long before I made my way to my desk and spoke to a few coworkers in my sight when I grabbed my handbag and I told them out loud that I was leaving. Honestly, I do not recall precisely what I said. I was in a fog because I was doing something I would have never imagined.
I was leaving the company for good if I had anything to do with it. Without notice, without a word to my leadership. I am not bragging about this. I was at a crossroads. I still do not know why this day stood out among the rest. In hindsight, I believe it was Holy Spirit driven and an awakening in my soul.
I experienced a profound change in all three parts of my mind, heart, and soul. An extreme tugging sensation. It was as if every passing minute and thought in my mind would later bring me peace, but I was simultaneously afraid of the aftermath. The harmony I was so close to at the moment was absolute. It transcended brokenness, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, and any feeling of failure.
Spiritually, I kept a distance most of my life, and I kept God near but irrationally far enough that it gave me temporal comfort, thinking that the Lord would not see my sins and disobedience.
Forty-seven years old and so highly childlike.
God knows all.
At the age of 11, I asked the Lord into my heart. Following my baptism, the treasure of the Holy Spirit. God typically heard my repentance only when I needed help and when I cried to Him throughout my journey. God rescued me daily, creating many highs and miracles I never deserved. God already knew that day in January would be when I would surrender to Him. It pleased God to see me; I know it with all my being.
What was on my mind other than quitting a job without any notice? It was my husband and daughters. It was my coworkers, and a few were dear friends. What is going to happen to us financially? It was a combination of every big and little thing. Knowing that I would never wish to experience any of that daily living again—all of it.
I surrendered, and I was hungry and thirsty for more.
It was time for me to allow God to do what He wished for me to do, what He made me for. His will and my choice for Him first. I was willing and sincere. The peace I felt was a beautiful seed planted and wouldn't be unremembered. My clear intention was to feed my soul His flowing water every day after. I would understand much more in later seasons, but the endeavors and journey were like an open door of grace.
I encountered joy for the first time, and it did not matter that I was in a deep valley.
This was when my faith was born.
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